I know a little girl, she’s 4, and I hear the perfunctory apology from her most of the time. She hurts a friend or does something else that warrants an apology and her parents make her (force her) to apologize. She obviously doesn’t know what it means to be truly sorry and so what we hear is a simple “I’m sorry.” There have been rare instances, however, when she has given the full apology (as much as a 4 year old can, anyway). You can hear the sincerity in her voice and see it in her eyes. That makes all the difference in the world because what use is a full apology if the apologizer doesn’t mean it? In my mind, sincerity is key. But it has to be the right amount of sincerity. If the person seems overly apologetic, I am suspicious that s/he is faking it. Obviously everyone in this class is not a pre-schooler, but I thought the analogy was apt. Perfunctory apologies, especially if the offense is grave, are perceived as insufficient and I am only comfortable with them in situations where they are clearly appropriate. For example, I bumped into someone by accident. I would say a simple “I’m sorry” and that would suffice. But most of the time, I will try to use a full apology because it seems more effective.
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I always try to use a full apology also when necessary. Some people might apologize to you but you can tell if they really mean it or not. I feel that a insincere apology is worse then someone who is over sincere. I feel that if you are going to be insincere about the apology you might as well not even apologize to me at all because it means nothing if you do not fully apologize, the person is not sorry they are just sorry they got caught.
That was a great analogy. Who better to see truth so obvious than from a child. They usually don't hide emotion too well and you can see on their face when they are sincere or when they are forced. I love to watch how kids interact because it is such a basic form of our complex emotional and problem-solving systems.
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